A High-Level Summary of the Book by Stone, Patton and Heen. Office of In most difficult conversations, there are different perceptions of the same reality. A Difficult Conversation Is Anything. You Find It Hard to Talk About. Sexuality, race, gender, politics, and religion come quickly to mind as difficult topics to. Slappy said: Difficult Conversations is a how-to self-help book on negotiating conflict in emo Douglas Stone,. Bruce Patton.,. Sheila Heen A “difficult conversation,” according to Stone et al, is “anything you find it hard to talk about”.
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Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most by Douglas Stone
So the way one handles conversations is determined by how much one knows himself. My boss, being a corporate minded, new-ager, pop-psychology fan, was told by other managers that if she got the workers to read this book, then problems would practically dissolve.
The authors stress that this is not a matter of certain techniques such as making eye contact or repeating what is heard, but of genuinely coming to learn the other person’s point of view and coming with the humble stance that you may not be right or completely blameless, though the authors hasten to make the point that this is not relativism but an optimal stance for understanding.
There’s no reason why not to recommend this book to everyone.
Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most
Do not use hints or leading questions. The first ehen that people make as they consider what happened is that they assume they are looking at a factual matter, and they assume that their view of the matter is right. The strategies described are very complex and I think it takes quite some time and dedication to get them working. In my opinion, this is a must-read for everyone.
Contribution emphasizes understanding causes, joint responsibility, and avoiding future problems. A conversation is affected by the image people have about themselves. It is a trap. To avoid the first mistake, parties must avoid making the leap from impact to intent.
Fourth, recognize that you can let go and still care about the issue. If he can live with that, or indeed prefers that, then going off with his friends makes sense. I want to reread this one and take notes. Discussing feelings openly, without BEING emotional was another key point, though crying can be okay, depending on the situation. Just to soak it all up and not lose out on the useful stuff due to boredom.
Avoid the difficulg mistake by acknowledging the other’s feelings, and by considering the possibility of your own complex motives. One of the reasons women are consistently paid less than men is because we avoid or aren’t as strong at the difficult conversations that matter most – negotiating our raises, advocating for ourselves and taking credit for our accomplishments. Good communication is important both in formal negotiations and in daily life.
Anytime we feel vulnerable or our self-esteem is implicated, when issues at stake are important and the outcome uncertain, when we care deeply about what is being discussed or about the people with whom we are discussing it, there is potential for us to experience the conversation as difficult. Also, when you try to raise the issue of contributions during a difficult conversation, own your contributions to the problem first, then explain what you think they contributed.
As you work through such conversations, notice that they aren’t about who is right or wrong, they are about differing information, priorities and perspectives. Having said that, the concepts presented in this book, although easy to understand will take time and practice to integrate into real-time situations. It’s simply a matter of notice.
Difficult Conversations is one of those books where I went into it with mediocre expectations, and ended up really liking it.
Summary of “Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most” | Beyond Intractability
Usually, I just want my point of view to be heard and considered but feel that the other person behaves as if we are in a contest, that they are playing a game to win, while I conevrsations not even playing. You cannot will yourself to emotional balance. And your relationships will benefit. Most conversations fail because people begin by describing the problem from their own perspective, which implies a judgement about the other person and so provokes a defensive response.
I have already noticed myself practicing the book’s recommendations or noticing where I should have in small spats.
Expressing emotions is risky, however. If your boss starts telling you to read this book, read it critically–otherwise you might just feel sorry for the suckers who are trying to exploit you. Can lead to struggles and bad feelings. This book will help anyone get a better handle on tricky interactions. So this book offers a third path. Dec 12, Kirtida Gautam rated it really liked it Shelves: Apr 15, Gareth Davies rated it it was amazing Shelves: Tell us about your work.
Again, this all sounds really whiny and touchy-feeling, like a new-age inner-child symposium complete with re-birthing ceremonies and ‘Song of Myself’ creative re-writes. But if your goal is to problem-solve, then talking about contribution instead of blame frees you from decreeing a judgment and lets you concentrate on the practical question of, “What can we change to fix this in the future?
The identity conversation is an internal conversation that each party has with herself, over what the situation tells her about who she is. This is an amazing book. You know what their impact was; you don’t know what their intent was.
The authors spend some time in the book discussing helpful ways to reframe identities built on past experiences. I think she was trying to tell me something. Try to fully probe and untangle your own thoughts and feelings on a situation before entering a conversation with the other involved party.
If you can admit that you are imperfect, that your own intentions are mixed and complicated, and that your actions contributed to the problem, you will have taken a big step toward dealing with your identity. Acknowledging one’s own contributions can help shift the other party away from blaming. Responsibility or blame is a complex, socially-constructed ethical claim. A “difficult conversation,” according to Stone et al, is “anything you find it hard to talk about”: